Gas Powered Hippo

Sounds Like One Of My Dates

Thu, 26 Sep 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Man Who Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile

Mating Ritual

Wed, 04 Sep 2013 00:00:00 -0700

A Romantic Evening

Tue, 20 Aug 2013 00:00:00 -0700

I went over to my date’s house for a summer BBQ with him and his housemate. Dinner went well. Good food. Tasty wine. Lots of laughter. After dinner my date and I ventured into his backyard to lounge on a blanket and enjoy each other’s company. Leaned up against a rock that resembled a chair on a perfect summer evening next to a wonderful man, I was content. As we chatted I felt a furry creature walk up next to me and looked over to find one of his cats. In the split second I spent staring at the cat, trying to remember its name, horror struck. The cat peed on me. That’s right, peed. Everyone, except the cat, was moritfied.

I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS LOVE IN THIS HOUSE. — el gato

Marcus the Cat 1, Me 0

What I believe to be the cat manual to busting up romance

Also brings this to mind.

Bait

Wed, 31 Jul 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Thanks, but no thanks.

Love your profile, madam. You are the sexiest subset of your gender: self confident woman. You are also your own hero which too is sexy as all get out.

Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion…out for drinks and dinner.

You are totes adorbs, don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I wish you well on your journey, may some tall, hirsute, enlightened hillbilly in gingham take you away in his General Lee. [FYI: My profile references Dukes of Hazzard]

A Proposal

Tue, 30 Jul 2013 00:00:00 -0700

The first message was so vague and weird it piqued my curiousity:

I understand you don’t reply often to these things….but here I go anyway…Hi!……………………………………………………..sorry, spaced out
I think your profile is genius, very funny…to answer your question, no, magazines are not books [I ask if magazines can be considered books, I read them a lot] ….wait a minute don’t hit me yet, please! I have a story to tell you…but only if you’re interested in hearing it…I know I’m not near you…but I’ll get into that later…this story does not involve sex or any of the things that guys bug you to death with on dating sites…it doesn’t even really involve dating…it might involve you if you want it to.

On an unrelated note: you should see a few episodes of ~~████~~….just for camp value and ~~████~~ AND this is a limited, time sensitive issue please write back post haste …but only if you want to….have a wonderful nite ….or day…depending…

I messaged him back asking him to elaborate and received the following:

Like all great stories it starts with:" There was this girl" …way back in high school. We dated a little ,nothing serious, she was kinda awkward and shy, like I was. And like myself she was smart and curious about the world (much smarter than me, truth be told, but I’m getting a head of the story). She had this fatal flaw though, she was mormon. I didn’t think that much of it, I was 18, livin’ in the south, had never met a mormon …..didn’t really care one way or the other. I liked her and we were friends….. and then I went on to college and she went her way as well.
About 10 years later (I think I may have gotten ahold of her number and called her) we talked on the phone for a bit and caught up. She was getting her masters at Northwestern and had graduated, with greek letters by her name, at Cornell…I had not….I was too busy snorting cocaine with the boys in the band to follow through on any of the educational promise, that everyone had claim I had in my younger days. I ran to hell and back in those days just for fun… and I told her all about it. I could tell she did not approved. She was nice and I liked talking to her, just like always, we kinda clicked. And the phone clicked too. And she went on her path and I went on mine.

About my path, it was mostly journey with no destination, by design…first; party to party then house to house I roamed. Broke some hearts, had mine broken a few times…had a few depressive episodes …the usual type of stuff that all rebellious, brooding, artistic, young men do…I may have done little more than usual…judging by my profile question personality graph thingy…I’m gonna have to go with yes, more than usual. But, at 35ish I had done it all and seen it all, and was really ready to call it a life…so I got married. Soon enough another girl comes along in the usual biological fashion and she is an important character in our story so let’s give her a letter, we’ll call her J (and now that we’ve given her a letter we have to give the initial girl a letter too…cause you know girls and their letters… if you give a letter to one girl …you gotta give ‘em all letters… she can be L;) And J fill my life with joy (and I would say that even if I wasn’t legally obligated to).

Storms came in those days and blew the happy marriage away (but that’s a whole other story that I will tell at another time) and left me and J living alone, and somewhat blue. That’s when L returns via the magic of facebook…and we catch up yet again. L married late and was widowed early and was five years out of wedlock, when she was whisked through fiber optics straight into my office. I have to say I was impressed…we went immediately into deep philosophical conversation lasting all nite long, once again totally clicked. Suffering as I was from a scarred soul, I fell deep into it. Being a wiser and more learned man than I had been before, I asked early on, if she was still a mormon, expecting her to say not so much or my family is…something like that. Low and behold she’s really into it, and I’m shocked…the girl’s a seismologist for christ sakes…this may be a deal breaker. But she was so sweet…man, she was lovey dovey…and a few long nites later,she’s inviting me across the country to her place. She’s got girls the same age as J and its gonna be a big play date! Much excitement ensues! Plans began to be made and itineraries thrown together…but in the back of my mind I thinking; mormon…deal breaker. So I’m on the fence draggin my feet a little….but It’s a cool place that she lives in and there’s a guest room and it doesn’t have to be a big deal and J will really love it, it will be her first plane ride and there will be kids to play with…OK I’m in. So I call her up and make sure, “I’m about to buy the tickets” “That’s awesome” she says. “Last chance to back out” I tell her. She seems filled with joy over the whole plan. And click goes the mouse. And whoosh goes the money from the account to the greedy airline company. And the late night, west coast time zoned, conversations continue. Deeper and deeper they get until we can hardly stand the distance. Two hopeless romantics swept up into the deadly tide, we begin to think of ourselves as one being, pulled apart by time and distance soon to be reunited (and it feels so goooood….sorry. sidetracked).

One nite something a little different happens, philosophical turns physical and yearning desires are discussed. L admits to having a constant moisture presence whenever she thinks of me, which Ok by me, she leaves me in a similar state of arousal. Any normal person would be feeling this way given the situation. Our conversation ended early that next morning…and let’s say it ended happily…it was a happy ending.

The next day she was upset, I really didn’t get it…we had a good time…we had both seemed “happy” when we hung up, but L was no longer happy. No, L was disturbed and scandalised by the entire incident. I took a deep breath and backed away a bit, to give her some room. But she was shamed by her desire and things were never the same. One day she said she couldn’t do it, that she couldn’t trust herself if I was in her home…and other objections emerged that hadn’t seem to have been a problem before. Weed is bad and beer wasn’t good and smoking was sinful and caffeine was wrong…and in the back of my mind I knew…mormon…deal breaker.

And that’s pretty much the story, of how me and my eight year old daughter ended up with two tickets to ~~██████~~…where we know no one!

So we are coming to ~~██████~~, August 14th. Getting hotels booked, trying to decide what days to rent bikes, what days to rent a car, we would like to do a little hiking. I’d like to taste some beers, maybe some medicinal grass, it would be nice to see some music maybe go to the ~~████~~ stuff like that…did I mention that we know no one in ~~██████~~.

So here were your part comes in and it can be whatever you like…you could recommend a hotel or go on a bike ride or just join up one day for shinanagins or share a bowl or recommend a bike rental. It’s me and an eight year old, we are both very well behaved and are fun to be around.

If you have any interest at all let me know and I will tell you anything you want to know…we would just like to have a local friend to help us enjoy your city…It’s a simple as that

Yeah, super simple.

This Just In

Thu, 11 Jul 2013 00:00:00 -0700

After updating my profile saying I wanted more than “Hi” I received this message:

Hello there!

How are you?

How To Impress

Thu, 11 Jul 2013 00:00:00 -0700

One liners and the like that really know how to reel em in.

Source: First time messages in my OKC inbox.

“Sup Beautiful.”

“iwannameetu Danny diggsya”

“thank you for making me smile this morning.”

“I like your profile. I’m past the wooing stage on okcupid-cleverness nor charm seem to elicit girl-crazy lust for me-you just look cool. Entyway, I don’t expect a reply, which is totally fine. Didn’t want one. ;)”

“Hey, how are you? Great pics and profile! Let’s chat. Tag you’re it!”

“hi how are u doing?”

“How’s your day?”

“Classic pic”

“:)”

Persistent

Tue, 02 Jul 2013 00:00:00 -0700

The first message was nice enough but his profile had indicated some basic dealbreaker habits. My reply was straight-foward, direct and wished him well on his quest for love.

Pro-tip: While honest, touting your mental health problems and how much you <3 cigarettes is not the best way to sell yourself. Think, first impressions.

Within a week another message from the same guy appeared in my inbox. Again, my reply gently turned him down.

Third message was practically begging to meetup. Coaxing me with drink and food, I agreed to meet. I was curious why he was so dead set on meeting.

I got to the restaurant early, ordered a whiskey and waited. When he wandered up to the table I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped a little. Decked out in his best sweatpants and slippers, he looked like he had just gotten out of bed.

I ordered a steak to go with my whiskey. I deserved it.

We chatted awhile about his struggle with his bipolar disorder, drug addiction and blossuming recording studio. At one point in the coversation he almost fell asleep sitting up in the booth.

Still unable to see how we had anything in common, I finally asked, “So why were you so dead set on meeting me?”

“I really like your glasses. I once loved a girl that had great glasses.”

If only it were that simple.

The next day I googled him and found a video of him dancing to house music while robotripping.

If at first you don’t succeed: Try, try, try again. — William Edward Hickson

Gas Powered

Fri, 28 Jun 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Most recently updated top hit

The Playbook

Wed, 26 Jun 2013 00:00:00 -0700

Step 1: Tell her your end goal.

I want to meet someone that I can share my whole life with!

Step 2: Tell her your name.

My name is REDACTED,

Step 3: Tell her how to take you up on what you have to offer.

hit me up if you want.

Tie it all together with a profile photo that shows off the chest tattoo of your family crest flanked by the American flag and the giant gold cross necklace you love to wear.